Surprise! Size matters in a porno video game

ESRB "Adults Only 18+" rating symbol...

Image via Wikipedia

I would first like to clarify that I did not play the entire game, just the demo (I am not about to pay for a porn video game, thank you very much). I would also like to mention that I have never played a porn video game, or an “action adventure porno game” before in my life.  We live in a world where a good chunk of our population plays video games, or watches porn, so it is only a matter of time before someone combined the two: hence,  Bonetown.

Even though the game came out in 2008, I found the cartoony ‘Bonetown’ the other day when this article was on the front page of digg. Other outlets have written about how “morally depraved”  Bonetown is, or how offensive the game is on a variety of different levels, so I am not going to go there in this post. Writes Jessica Wakeman over on The Frisky:

“Bonetown” touts itself as “the world’s first action adventure porno video game,” but it’s more like thoughts from the internet’s most ignorant trolls set to animation. You know, the trolls who think racism and sexism have been “solved” so it’s really hilarious to perpetuate stereotypes about minorities and women.

via ‘Bonetown: “The World’s First Action Adventure Porno Game

Bonetown is supposed to take place in some GTA universe, where everyone is running around drunk, stoned, or both, and you have sex right on the street. Because I was playing the demo, I was confined to this small area around a beach (here is some very NSFW gameplay in a trailer park that I did not have access to), and I quickly learned the world map. (The only building I was allowed to enter in the demo kept crashing my PC.)  I spent my time running around beating up Asian tourists or stoners and sexing up fat ladies.

When you arrive in Bonetown, you have very small balls, and the only women you can sleep with are enormous ladies (presumably because they have low self-esteem). The more ladies you sleep with, the larger your balls grow,  and the larger your balls are, the more likely it is that you can  sleep with thinner women. Imbibing whiskey or beer temporarily increases your ball size, allowing you to sleep with women you wouldn’t normally be able to if you were sober.  Maybe it was the demo, but I slept with at least 10 fat chicks and my balls did not grow bigger. I know, because throughout the game I became incredibly preoccupied with the size of my balls…

The positives:

The writing in the game is somewhat humorous: how often do you see Jewish trailer trash? Never. I found that I got more women dressed like a blonde douche bag with terrible facial hair than I did in any other outfit. I thought it was hysterical that my character didn’t know how to ask for sex nicely- it was always “hey, can I F*ck you” or something else equally vulgar. The dialogue passerby spewed was also equally entertaining, as were the insults women hurled my way when they didn’t want to sleep with me.

I found the hippy guitar was the best weapon for bashing people with because of its long range. Fighting people on the street was fairly easy.

The sounds of the females getting pleasured is very realistic, and you can change the camera angles  when you are having sex.  (You know somewhere out there, a young male is fapping off to this game.)

Spanking ladies during sex decreases your stamina, so don’t spank your lady repeatedly because then you won’t get her to orgasm.  As the instructional first female you encounter explains to you, there is nothing a lady hates more than not climaxing.

The soundtrack to the game is surprising good sex music; quality reggae or hip hop.

The Negatives:

There are so many different controls that I forgot them after a while. If your game is designed to be masturbate-able to, you should be able to do everything with  one hand. The options for when you’re in sex mode use one hand, but if you want to spank your female partner (sometimes they ask for it), you have to use the mouse.

This game has a save point. What game now-a-days still has a save point? Please….

Beating up people only yields about 2 -3 dollars. Really? People don’t carry 10 or 20 dollar bills? Not even tourists?

You cannot sleep with men in the game, and you cannot be a female in the game.

The fat women you sleep with are just super voluptuous. Maybe they’ll have some excessive belly fat, but they don’t have fat in weird places or take on odd shapes; ie, they are not round. All of the women are fat in a nice way.  To top it off, in order for these women to be “fat in a nice way”, they are three times the size of your character. The fat ladies are literally giants. The male you start off with is already short and thin, so the difference between the two people is just disturbing.  See the blurry cellphone picture  to the left. There is no way in hell that man is holding up that woman. As unrealistic as Bonetown is, that is the straw that broke the camels back.

My final rating? C+

3 Comments on “Surprise! Size matters in a porno video game”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Henry Cowell, Fruzsina Eordogh. Fruzsina Eordogh said: RT @trueslant Size Matters: My Bonetown review – Fruzsina Eordogh – Femme Fatality – True/Slant […]

  2. jake brodsky says:

    I’m not in to game playing in the first place. The chances of me playing any such game, let alone this one, are not good.

    However, what bothers me about this one is how much it dehumanizes the relationships between men and women. I wonder what Todd Essig would have to say about it.

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